Writings by me

Today I go back to work five days a week for the first time since becoming a mum. My freelancing is going from strength to strength and coupled with Harry now qualifying for his childcare hours, it is a bittersweet time. I’m a little sad that I won’t have a day with Harry each week. But it is time. It’s going to look a lot different to my previous life working full time in supermarkets and fashion retail. It makes it a lot easier to go back to work when I’m going to kick off each day with a coffee in a café and doing work that I love and can control. So I thought I’d run through a few of the things I’ve learned from the last seven (yikes!) years about this parenting lark:

1. Whichever way you slice it, this life is a balancing act

Whether you work five days a week, part time, evenings, weekends, or all of the above, or none at all, it takes organisational prowess of the highest order to get through this parenting life. It’s not necessarily made any easier either; with the lack of a coherent childcare system until 2/3 years old and our choices about working decisions under the magnifying glass for everyone to scrutinise.

2. Social pressure is alive and kicking

In truth, I should have gone back to work five days a week a whole lot earlier. So much of the fact that I didn’t was because I felt I shouldn’t; I should work part time and be around more for the kids. I should be the one who stays at home the majority of the time whether it suits me or not and whether it’s what I want or not. I felt I should want to be with my kids, regardless of the realities of being the main caregiver.

3. Gender stereotyping in parenting runs deep

I believed the above, as much as I hate to admit it, is because I’m the mum. This is despite the fact that oftentimes it seemed clear that their father might possibly be more up to the challenge. His patience and energy make him a far stronger candidate for the frustrations I sometimes experienced being at home with the kids.

4. Fathers need to be enabled

I feel strongly that as we, rightly, encourage mums to get back to work and find fulfilment outside of the home, we don’t seem to do the same for dads. Which makes the above thinking possible. In truth, it took a global pandemic to give him the same time at home I’ve had since they were born. That to me is a tragedy. The ability for dads to spend that kind of time with their kids should not be a luxury, for those who can afford it, or because of a lockdown mandate which literally made it illegal to leave the house more than once a day. If we encourage mums into the public sphere, we need to champion dads to find fulfilment in the home and with the kids as well.

• It is quality, not quantity

I remember in the early baby days, feeling that as long I was ‘there’ all the time it would be enough. I’d beat myself up if they watched even a 10 minute Peppa Pig episode or if I was distracted on my phone or if I had to (God forbid) do some admin or run some errand without a child-friendly activity in the middle of it. It took me far too long to learn that it is not about how much time I spend, it is what I do with the time I have with them. Separation from their father has taught me that. Mondays after school now are always time to catch up with Legomasters and waiting for Freddie at swimming is now colouring time for me and Harry.

We should also acknowledge the fact that the reason why I’ve been able to make these choices and decisions to be at home more until now, is because their father has always worked full time in a high-pressured, well-paid job, even when it impacted his health and even though he wanted to be at home with his boys. I’m extremely thankful for that.