Writings by me

During my second pregnancy, I was diagnosed with moderate depression. The diagnosis was a long time coming and had made life very difficult up til this point. Going on anti-depressants has turned my life around in many ways. They’re not a total fix though; the beauty of them is that they bring you up to a point where you can start bringing in lifestyle changes to aid your recovery (admittedly harder to do during busier times).

Though I can count them on one hand over the last year or so, I still get depressive episodes and I feel on the precipice of one now. By writing about it here I can remind myself of everything that helps and share honestly with you about how difficult it is to raise kids during an episode in the hope that sharing will make it all feel less lonely.

For me, a day during a depressive episode might entail the following;

• When the alarm/child goes off, getting out of bed feels like an impossible task. Knowing that you have to both helps and doesn’t help. It helps because at least you’re up. It doesn’t because then you really must start parenting and that can feel enormous
• Making domestic mistakes (accidentally putting two wet nappies in the washing machine = nightmare!) lead to falling down a rabbit hole called ‘the ways I failed today’ or ‘why I am such a useless mum; the evidence’ instead of dusting it off as one of those things
• When you’re not well, it always helps to leave the house for the fresh air and the hellos at the school gates, but it can be a double-edged sword. Leaving the house when you’re feeling well with kids is a challenge; the organisation required is exhausting; throw in tantrums, noise levels which beggar belief and trying to navigate a messy, disorganised hallway and you’re back down another rabbit hole (this one titled; why I am such a useless mum; part two).
• You’re trying to put a face on it; you really don’t want your kids to worry. You tone down requirements; you make more basic meals, do shorter bath times, read one less story at bedtime, go on fewer playdates, watch much more TV than you normally would and then feel guilty about all the above. You’re simultaneously worrying how long the episode will last, when the next one might hit and worst of all, how you’re affecting your kids.

Over the years, and various therapies and self-help books later, there are things that help:

• Acceptance; accepting how I feel means stopping putting energy into trying to feel better and just accepting that right now functioning at a basic level will have to do. This has been enormously helpful; once I stop trying to feel better, the pressure is lifted and things feel a little less bleak
• Small wins; I’m not going to bleat on about journaling and how helpful it can be, you probably already know all about that. But jotting down two things in particular about my day can be really cathartic. Firstly, the small win; it can be as simple as I brushed the boys’ teeth. The point is I did it and that’s a win. I also note down the thing that made me happiest that day; one upside to having kids, is its very hard not to have had at least one moment during the day that made you smile
• Lowered expectations; I hate this expression, I’ve always found it vague and impossible. But over the years I’ve developed a bare minimum list that strips away all the nonsense and gets me thinking of only what I have to do to survive the day. This usually equates to; teeth, tablets, mealtimes and washing. Everything else can wait.
• Focus on the next thing to do, and only that; don’t think too far ahead just do the next thing it really is as simple as that.

The boys are the best tonic during an episode. Think about it; kids are awesome at cuddles, they’re really, really funny and they do really fun things like Lego (extremely therapeutic), building train tracks and colouring; all things which require you to be in the moment. If I’m going to use up my energy on something, it’s going to be on them.

(The above advice is purely what works for me; I hope trying it might work for you too if you’re struggling. However, if you need to speak to someone, please don’t hesitate to reach out to your GP. Failing that reaching out to anyone will do; drop me an email and I’ll email you back.)