Writings by me

It doesn’t feel like long ago I was writing my ‘Weddings with kids’ article only to now be writing about my kids attending their first funeral.

Whether your kids attend a loved ones’ funeral is entirely up to you, their parent. The experts say, and I mostly agree, that kids should attend funerals because death is a part of life that we shouldn’t shield them from. However, when you’re in it, it’s ultimately a combination of what you are comfortable with, whether you think they can cope or are ready and how other people feel that are attending.

It also depends on the type of funeral. For my brother, my step mum opted for a non-traditional gathering where we were together at the cemetery, to lay his ashes to rest and then we gathered at a pub afterwards to celebrate his life. It was non-formal dress (his friends were actively encouraged to dress up as his favourite characters from Star Wars, Lord of the Rings etc – his closest friend came dressed as a Jedi, lightsaber included), buffet style food in a pub function room with a pool table and lots of little thoughtful details that memorialised my brother in a way that made sense to us. For this reason, it was easy for my kids to join in because apart from the cemetery, where they had to be quiet during some readings, at the gathering afterwards, they were able to mingle, play with the pool table and chat to loved ones. Or in other words, provide their own special brand of support to the ones my brother left behind. They are a part of the family too and were given the chance to provide comfort, something which we all need to do when our families are hurting.

For me, I can’t imagine them not being there now. I worried that they might not understand, they might make noise and they might be scared. I needn’t have worried; my eldest stood strong and solemn at the ceremony and my youngest when restless, as Daddy was about to take him for a walk, looked over at me and then would not leave my side, bringing me immense comfort at such a devastating moment.

In the end the most important thing to me was their support. Because as much as we are the parents, and we need to look after them and make sure they’re ok, sometimes they need and want to look after us too. It’s ok to cling onto them at those times we need them most.