Writings by me

I’ve written before that my mum died by suicide when I was 11. At the time my dad did what he thought he could by telling me what had happened. I still blamed myself though and believed I somehow could have stopped her or that her suicide was a rejection of me. 

I’ve been wondering how I can ever hope to explain to Freddie and Harry about it and hoped I may be able to avoid it. I told myself it was a need-to-know basis and what good could possibly come from them knowing. I was trying to protect them from pain and avoid difficult questions that I myself still struggle with.

Losing someone to suicide is devastating and far-reaching. I hate the thought of suicide ever directly impacting my kids but as the biggest killer of under 35’s in the UK, it’s a very shocking and endlessly sad reality we have to contend with. I know better now: keeping the kids in the dark about suicide is tempting, but just serves to keep suicide in the dark, making those who contemplate it feel alone and isolated.

Campaigns like 3 Dads Walking is doing an amazing job at raising money and suicide awareness. Their latest walk between the four parliaments of the United Kingdom also aspires to bring teaching suicide prevention into the National Curriculum. Until they can achieve their aim here’s some things the charity Winston’s Wish advise:  

• Building on information is a good way of ensuring that your children can process information about suicide in an age-appropriate way and grow more comfortable talking about it. It’s important to explain clearly, honestly, and consistently that the person has died, give simple details about how and say clearly that the person took their own life  
• As your child grows older, you can build on these steps and offer more detailed explanations as well as explaining the reasons why it happened. Let your child lead this and be prepared that as they grow older, their questions may become difficult to answer. Try to remain open to these conversations and if it’s painful for you, or not the right time to go into detail, be honest and tell them you need to think about your response and you will come back to it later
• How you describe it is important too; saying ‘committed suicide’ is drenched in stigma harking back to days when it was considered a crime. Alternatives include saying ‘died by suicide,’ or ‘took their own life.’ It’s also useful to ask them how they might describe it so they can feel comfortable if ever they wish to discuss it themselves
• Keeping up this dialogue with your kids from an early age will also help your children to deal effectively with those in their lives who may be at risk of suicide or if it ever becomes something they, themselves contemplate. Simply asking your teenager if they have ever thought about it, if they are worried for a friend and what they will do if they ever find themselves in that situation, makes them aware there are alternatives and there is help available. 

What’s really good about the Winston’s Wish guide is that they also provide guidance on what to do if you didn’t tell a child about suicide immediately. In my case, my eldest knows that my Mum died in a fire. Now I know that keeping them informed will be more effective in keeping them safe, I know that the next time he asks or wants to talk about it, and when Harry wants to know too, I’m going to have to be honest. The presence of guidance from charities like Winston’s Wish is something to be extremely grateful for; support which was lacking when my Dad had to tell my brother and I. 

Teaching the facts about suicide, that it is a result of a mental health condition, and for that there is always help, is a way of ensuring that if your child is impacted by suicide (whether they lose someone to it or contemplate it themselves), they can face it with knowledge and know that it was never about them.