Writings by me

Many of us will be saddened about the passing of Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II. I’m not a huge Royalist, but I admire The Queen and I believe hers is a legacy that transcends the Royal Family in many ways. She was a stalwart who put duty first until the very end and I think we can all appreciate that regardless of her position, she is a mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother, which at a basic level, makes it a sad loss.

My grandparents lived in Windsor until very recently, and so many of my summers were spent in Windsor, in the shadow of Windsor Castle, walking up the Long Walk, waiting for perhaps a glimpse of her or the Duke of Edinburgh.

When The Queen Mother died, I remember walking up with my Nan to leave flowers at the gates. For me, Windsor is one of my very favourite places and the Royal Family plays a small part in that.

Big moments in public life create lasting memories; I remember walking into the living room at 9 years old when Princess Diana died to see my Mum crying. I had no idea at that age the implications of what her death meant, but just that she was a mum and the two princes had lost their mother – the worst thing to happen to a child before adulthood. Joining that unhappy club two years later when my own mum died, meant I have always been keen to see how Prince William and Prince Harry get on in their lives.

Fast forward 25 years and I was the one crying in the living room, while my boys pottered around me. When Huw Edwards made the announcement at 6:30pm (the TV had been on all afternoon), tiredness levels had peaked and me monopolising the TV was the last straw (oh the things our kids must put up with). Freddie, the eldest, knew there was something going on, but Harry just wanted to watch Muppet Babies.

Even when they can’t fully comprehend what it means, things land with our kids in unexpected ways. Freddie, extremely interested in history, and very emotionally intelligent simply offered me his arm and watched the news report. Harry, still intent on getting his way, sulked off and continued playing. Yet this morning, he asked me: ‘Did the King die yesterday?’ When I explained it was the Queen, he said ‘so who’s the King?’ and I explained it was now King Charles II. Later Freddie brought up the gunpowder plot and wondered if having a King would mean soldiers would be sent around, which of course I reassured him wouldn’t be the case! Freddie is much more interested to learn about the Queen and her life, so I’ve found the perfect book at Waterstones to share with him (find it here).

A friend told me her 7-year-old son’s reaction to the news showed the kind of endearing perspective that you have to love children for. He said: “It’s okay mummy, we’ve got a King now” before swiftly moving on to talk about whether zombies are real or not.

As all these different reactions show, news of the death of Queen Elizabeth II will likely spark curiosity, concern, disinterest, zombies (!) or none of the above in children. And it’s all ok. Experts from Winston’s Wish warn that other youngsters who have experienced their own bereavement may struggle with this period of mourning and have suggesting the following tips for when we talk to our children about it now and in the coming weeks:

Use clear, age-appropriate language

Don’t say the queen has ‘gone to sleep’, ‘passed away’ or ‘lost’, this can be confusing to children who often take things literally. If she’s gone to sleep, why can’t we wake her up? If she’s lost, why can’t we find her?

Explain what death is using concepts they understand

Try this: When someone dies, their body has stopped working and they can’t be brought back to life. They are no longer able to do the things they could when they were alive, such as move or talk. When someone dies, their heart stops beating, they stop breathing, their brain stops thinking. Sometimes it helps to start by talking about the concept of being alive.

Reassure your child

Make sure you deal with any worries about people around them dying. If you can, offer them reassurance but without making impossible promises. Saying things like “we are healthy and we’re going to do all we can to keep that way because I want to do X in the future” Or if someone is seriously ill, you can still offer reassurance but being honest is important. An explanation such as “you know Dad is very ill at the moment and has an illness called X. The doctors are giving Dad special medicine and working very hard to make him better.”

Be honest

Without clear information children tend to fill the gaps to try and make sense of what is happening. There will also be lots of information available to them elsewhere which they may start searching for– on TV, online, overhearing conversations and playground talk. This can mean that children imagine all sorts of things about a death, which are often worse than the reality.

Encourage questions and honest answers

Their questions could come all at once or they may come back to you several hours or days later. Try to answer them honestly and if you don’t know the answer, let them know you will try to find out for them. By reassuring them that questions are ok, and you’ll do your best to answer it, they are learning to trust the responses you give.

Let them know their feelings are normal

Anger, sadness, guilt, worry, confusion and more – are all normal reactions to hearing that someone has died. They may not feel upset as they didn’t really have a connection to The Queen, and that’s ok. However, if they do feel upset, it’s important to also honour their reaction and sadness, and allow them to explore their feelings.

Don’t be afraid of showing your own emotions

Children will look to adults around them to make sense of grief and try to understand how they should react. It’s ok to explore feelings with children and give them permission to explore their feelings with you. For example, if they see you upset you could say ‘I’m sad because I am sad that The Queen has died’ or ‘I’m crying because The Queen’s death has made me think about when your Granny died’.

Where to get support if you need it:

 If you know a child who has been bereaved or is impacted by The Queen’s death, Winston’s Wish provides support for grieving children, young people (up to 25) and adults supporting them. Call them on Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (open 8am-8pm, Monday to Friday) or email ask@winstonswish.org. If you need urgent support, the Winston’s Wish Crisis Messenger is available 24/7 for free, confidential support in a crisis. Text WW to 85258.